DD wants to go to public school

[tbarr12]

About 3 weeks ago, our oldest dd (12, 6th grade, using CTC) came to us with a serious request to go to public school. Her reasons were in summary that she wants more responsibility, more challenge, to be graded, more independence, and a locker wouldn't hurt either! In subsequent conversations with her, it seems that she feels CTC is a little too easy. She wants pressure. A couple weeks ago she asked me to give her more work! My husband, who is a college political science professor, began doing a government course with her. I asked her if she was happy to be having more work. She said, "No, I don't want more work, I want it to be harder!"

Without going into all the discussions dh and I have had since, we will most likely be telling her this week that we've decided to keep her home. We've prayed about it A LOT, done a lot of investigating, dh even visited the local middle school for 1/2 day. We've taken her feelings very seriously, because she came to us very rationally and respectfully, and we can tell that these feelings are all part of the new phase of life that she's entering (middle school/adolescence).

So my question isn't so much about what to do about that decision, but any ideas about how I can make CTC, and then RTR, "harder" for her?! I looked at RTR on-line and, while I think that it looks wonderful, I fear we'll have the same issue next year! I have begun assigning her grades in math, grammar, some of her writing, and a few other things, but I don't think that's the whole solution. Has anyone out there encountered a similar situation - either with their middle-schooler suddenly asking to go to public school, and/or wanting more/harder work/challenge? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks so much.

[netpea]

Is she using the extensions? Is she properly placed? What about a co-op class that might challenge her in a different way?

[tbarr12]

Yes, she's using the extensions. Yes, she's properly placed - I went through that extensively at the beginning of using HOD. I have wondered if I should skip RTR and go on to the next one, but I know how they build on each other. We are in a co-op which is just for enrichment. She's involved in a vocal performance choir which she really enjoys. There is a possibility of a middle school hybrid school starting up next year in which she could take 2 classes for grades (meets once/week), but she says she wants everyday! She just seems bursting at the seams to take on more. Last summer she wrote, produced, directed, and acted in a performance of "Little Women" which was amazing, and raised over $300 for Samaritan's Purse. (Yes, I'm proud, but everyone agrees it was amazing!) She is a real go-getter, and we don't want to squelch that!

[deltagal]

Hi Tracey,

No answers here, just some thoughts.

Our "oldest" had the same desire when he was 12/13. Also a real go-getter, we "knew" public school was not the answer for him. And so we simply told him that public school was not an option, but that we would look at other options. We put it on a back burner, but other "issues" began to creep up with him. One of which was his "presence" at home began to cast a "pall" over all of us. He was great around other people, but a true "joy-stealer" at home. We ultimately were able to enroll him right before he turned 14 in a very challenging tutorial that met 2 x's a week. It was a mid-year enrollment, so we couldn't be choosey. He took 2 classes and continued the rest of his work at home. And we continued to work with him at home on a variety of character issues. We also were able to identify some other leadership opportunities for him through church and youth group. Not ideal, mind you. But it provided settings for him to "flap his wings." It has been a year and a half and he has matured immensely and now is a "joy-giver" - a true leader in a positive way at home and away. Not perfect, but definitely growing! He also has asked to come back home "full-time". And we're delighted. I think now if he really wanted to go to public-school I know we would give it serious thought, because he has become a discerning young man - a quality he lacked when he was 12. He, too, complained about his work in a thoughtful way when he was 12 and 13 - it was not enough. He needed more! But in all honesty the work wasn't the issue, it was just a platform for him. But his "complaining" began a transition in him and us that has moved us all to a new place. Things that he felt were kiddish when he was 12 or 13 he is now able to see differently. I did made some changes to appeal to him. He didn't really want more or harder. He just wanted to launch himself. And I guess he did. I'll be honest, it was a difficult and painful time in many ways. But now we're able to see some fruit from the journey and it is a real blessing!

So, no answers for you, just some thoughts. Pray. I know God will give you direction and peace.

[tbarr12]

Florence - wow, your response seems to be right where we're at. We are dealing with some of the same issues, and I could see us following a similar path. thanks so much for the insight, and the encouragement that there could be better times ahead as a result of going through this process!!!

[my3sons]

Good thoughts here already! This age is an interesting one, isn't it? We all need some prayers for help in our parenting decisions, don't we?!? I know I feel like I do, and my oldest ds is 12 yo. I was wondering if you thought she could do Revival to Revolution, based on looking at the placement chart and the first week of plans? Being in the target age range will make the work much more difficult for her, and that sounds like what she wants. I think I'd let her do RevtoRev if she can do it! The difference between CTC and RevtoRev is quite a leap. If you are looking at RTR and thinking she will find it too easy, than RevtoRev seems like the answer to me. Yes, the guides build upon each other, but if she's pondering public school and you were in prayer about that too, I think the change to RevtoRev seems minimal compared to that change. Just a thought! Hugs from one 12 yo's mom to another!

In Christ,
Julie

[blessedmomof4]

Hi, just wanted to share about my dd who is now 14. I went from online school, to CTC, to Rev to Rev, to Rev to Rev with extensions for her, because she had wanted to go to public school. She was thinking she was behind her "peers" from talks with friends who were in public school. She had been at public school for a brief time. She had a lot of rational reasons too. When it came down to it, she was actually struggling to balance independence with dependence. She also has learned since then not to compare herself with others, and that we are on no one's timetable but our own. She is also a talented singer and teaching herself guitar, and learning piano quickly from her stepdad. She writes many songs, poems, and stories. She eventually came to realize that a public school schedule would hinder her from having enough free time for her creative pursuits. I still feel like we have had too many starts and stops this school year, but I also feel that some of the deeper issues have been resolved, and that she will finish Rev to Rev within a calendar year. I have held that out to her as a goal, and she is determined to do that. Preteens/young teens are a mysterious breed

[deltagal]

Florence - wow, your response seems to be right where we're at. We are dealing with some of the same issues, and I could see us following a similar path. thanks so much for the insight, and the encouragement that there could be better times ahead as a result of going through this process!!!

Yes, be encouraged! I'll add I think the real opportunity here (and challenge) for you and your husband is for your daughter to know that you are listening to her and understanding her.

[tbarr12]

I really appreciate everyone's responses. It's so comforting to know that "no temptation has overtaken you except as is common to man!" Florence's response esp. resonated with me. We gave her our decision Fri. night - no public school. It was the worst conversation we've ever had. She cried and said she hates being homeschooled, she hates being home all the time, nothing ever happens here, etc. We were somewhat surprised by the strength of her response. We didn't think she'd be happy, but didn't expect the strength of her anger and disappointment. However, about 2 minutes after the conversation was over, she came back in crying, and apologized to me, told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I talked with her for at least an hour about her feelings, what she wants, etc.

I wish I could say that things ended that rosy, however. Tonight, now that we're preparing for our school week, she's disappointed and a little angry again - i.e., she's "in a mood" (which seems to be happening pretty much everyday now with her). I have to confess, it makes me second guess our decision. Should we just give in and let her try it? How bad could it be? Maybe we should just let her try it and figure it out for herself. I guess what I'm asking is: how much should a parent listen to their kids' preference at this age for their schooling? Should we be taking her preference a little more into account, if it's that strong?

I'm sorry to be posting my confusion here. I know I don't even know any of you ladies, but there's a lot of wisdom on this board, and I badly need to hear from anyone else who may have been through this!!! Thanks again so much.

[LynnH]

At her age honestly you have to realize that it is hormones talking more than anything else. They honestly don't know what they want. You have prayed about it and you and your husband have made a decision based on God's leading and I think you should stick with it. You ask how bad it can be. I can tell you my story and how bad it was for us. My dd had always gone to school. She was in honor and advance classes, had many friends and loved school all through elementary. She had the typical friend issues, but nothing too major. One girl started doing some mild bullying in 5th and 6th grade. This girl was also in honors classes. The girl didn't like my dd because my dd wasn't going to just follow her and do what she said and she didn't like the fact that my dd was a christian. In 7th and 8th grade the bullying intensified. Horrible stuff on the bus. Then she sent my dd a very hate filled text and my dd saved it and we went to assistant principal with it. That stopped things for awhile in junior high. Then in 9th grade she moved to a new building. At the beginning of this year was when I brought my ds home to school him and my dd said "I will never be homeschooled." 9th grade quickly became a nightmare for her. I didn't know how bad because she was afraid to tell us. What I saw was a happy outgoing girl start shutting down, hiding things from us, spending all her time in her room and her grades going down. It wasn't cool to be smart so she stopped putting effort in to her classes. What I found out was going on was this. Every day walking through the halls parts of her anatomy were being grabbed and she was daily called a very derogatory name. She watched drugs being dealt out of the locker below her. Several girls that she barely knew started a facebook hate group against her. She was going to a morning prayer group. Kids would stand around the prayer group and make fun of them and say all kinds of things. Administration did nothing. Kids blocked her in the hall so that she was unable to catch her bus or get to her classes. Threats were made against her about what they were going to do to her. The abuse of the bus increased to the point she was terrified to ride. I drove her to and from just because she told me she didn't like riding it and I knew the one bully was on it. She was spiraling into depression. She took everything out on us. It was an awful time for our family. In January she said she thought she might want to be homeschooled the following year. By spring break she told us she definitely wanted to come home for the rest of highschool. She has since told me that if we wouldn't have allowed her to come home she most likely would have tried suicide. It was that bad. I know I am biased but if you met her you would never believe for a minute that she is one that could be bullied. She is a very pretty girl, blonde, outgoing, willing to be friends with all types of people. Her faith took a huge hit. She was watching and listening to things she knew weren't good, but she wanted to fit in. The language she was exposed to in the halls and classes and the topics the kids talked about were R rated and above. She stopped reading her bible and she doubted that God cared for her. She is now finishing up her 11th grade year and I have my daughter back, but there are still scars from that time. She knows God used that time to grow her faith, but she actively tries to talk girls who want to go to ps out of going. She feels that strongly about it. This all happened at one of the top high schools in the state. Given the highest rating our state gives like 5 years in a row. I am not saying things would go this way for your dd, but every time I hear people contemplating putting their preteen or teen daughters into ps I have to tell my story. I wouldn't want any family or child to go through what we did. One more thing my dd has told me is that she is still facebook friends with many of those that were in the prayer group and she said all of them have turned away from their faith.

[tbarr12]

Wow, Lynn, what a tragic story. I'm so sorry, but so appreciate you being honest with me. I think I am naive. I went to middle school and high school in the 70's (yes, I'm an "older mom" - will turn 50 this year!) and I think I probably can't even imagine how bad things are. My husband and closest friend here are both professors, and they tell me what they see in the product of what's coming out of the public schools these days. That has been enough to convince me. And thanks for the reminder about hormones, too. When you love someone so much, it's so easy to be swayed by their cries of emotion!

[bethelmommy]

I have no BTDT advice but wanted to suggest that dd's at 12 can be VERY hormonal and prone to mood swings. They may see reason one minute and then feel like the world is against them the next. I have 14 yr old twin nieces that I am very close to and they spend 2-4 weeks with us every summer. It was two summers ago when I wondered who kidnapped my sweet agreeable nieces and left hormonal pre-teenage girls in their place . Anyway, just want to encourage you that her extreme feelings and mood swings may be intensified as a result of changes occurring physically and being 12 and in the midst of it all, she won't recognize this. Even as adult women, I am sure some of us can still identify with the challenges hormones bring . Hang in there. Your calm assurances and loving steadfastness will prove to be a balm for her emotions with time.

P.S. Just noticed that Lynn posted about hormones as well. Will go ahead and post anyway in case you find anything encouraging here for you

[flackattack]

I don't usually post advice on the forum since I am new to HOD this year, but I had one thought. If you decide to place your dd in Rev to Rev, I would suggest doing the Girlhood study in RtR. We are doing RtR this year and I have found going through the book "Beautiful Girlhood" to be really helpful. It talks a lot about the changes that young girls experience, but in a way that has allowed my dd to see things a bit more objectively. As others have posted, hormones are most likely influencing your dd's behavior and thoughts. It may be good to jump over RtR academically, but for what it is worth, I would recommend doing the Girlhood study.
Blessings,
KT

[tbarr12]

Katie - that is a very good idea. I was reluctant to skip RTR for that reason - because I really want to do that study with her. So your advice is right on! Thanks.