Feeling guilty

[yayadaisy]

Hello ladies. Have any of you had this come up in your house? I have six wonderful children ds10, dd8, ds6, ds4, ds2 and ds 9 months. We are doing Bigger with my older two, whom my oldest has a LD in reading and writing so it takes longer than usual, then my ds who is 6 has autism and we are doing LHFHG at least parts of it. I am always having to adapt it for him in some way. I try to do some kind of preschool with the rest on most days, but some weeks go by and we don't get any preschool in at all UGG! So that is what I try to do everyday and my guilt comes in becasue I spend at least three hours working with my older two and about 1/2 hr to 20mintues with my ds 6. While I am doing this the others are playing and I feel like I should be spending more time with them too! We start school at 7:30 and get done around 11:30 but then it's time for lunch, then outside and then my lunch(my only break for the day). The rest of the day is full of household things, which I always seem to be behind on. Once my hubby gets home it is almost impossiable to have some kind of order here, he is a good man and good dad, but he has some real anger issues that need to be addressed, so it is not always very pleseant here then. Most of the evening I spend just trying to keep the peace. Then it's time for bed and before I know it another day has come and gone. I just have this nagging feeling that I need to spend more time with them. HOw much time is enough? How do you all get school done and still get house hold things done and stay sane!?

Sheila mom to six blessings

[Kathleen]

Sheila,

I only have 3 kids...and I only have a minute here. I would look at your schedule, and maybe try to arrange it where you have just a little bit of time with the younger kids in the midst of your morning. I know when Garret was younger, I tried this and it actually made my day go SOOO much easier because we were both happier and he wasn't having to get my attention in negative ways. I would run upstairs with him for about 15 minutes when he was 1. My goal was to read to him. After a few weeks, he had a routine that he loved! We often read the same 2 or 3 books and then we'd play hide and seek in his room. (And he'd hide in the exact same spots every day , but he LOVED it!) And, I didn't feel as guilty. If you could carve out 15 min with each of them, it may do more than you think. You could do part of LHTH with the 4 yo (whatever fits in 15 min for now), read to the 2 yo, "read", play pat-a-cake, tickle the 9 mo old. (Up until my kids were almost 2, they would ONLY "read" books with real pics of animals in them. And, I was only allowed to make animal noises. If I started saying words, they'd shut the book and get a different one. Either I make really good animal noises, I have unique kids, or this is a common thing...but I know I've heard other parents actually read to little ones. )

Remember too, that your kids are with you all day even if they're not getting your undivided attention. They're a part of the family. They have siblings to play with. I think those are all HUGE blessings! You can do it!!
Kathleen

[lmercon]

With your huge family, it may be impractical to think that you will have time to play with your youngers daily. It is really not about playing with them, especially since they have so many siblings. It is more about time spent with them. Try to see how you could incorporate them into your daily tasks. Make a game of sorting and folding laundry. Give everyone a wet paper towel to wipe the kitchen floor, and see who can get the towel the dirtiest. Give the children's baths together (for the youngers). Select one child for each meal to personally help you prepare the food and set the table. (Good for one-on-one.) Work the kids into what you already have to do instead of feeling guilty about what you didn't do. Maybe you could give 20 minutes a day, at a specified time each day, to one child to do an activity of his/her choosing. For example, Tuesday is Little Johnny's day to play with Mommy. On this Tuesday, he wants to play play-dough. It would give each child something to look forward to and take away the guilt that comes from their nagging to play with you on an hourly basis.
hth a bit,
Laura

[my3sons]

Yes - I think we all probably have this - that guilty feeling that somehow we're not giving enough - and sometimes we aren't. But, I think it sounds like you are giving enough. I'm very glad you explained how things are going quite fully, because I feel like I have a fairly good picture of it in my mind. You are busy being a mom to a big family with a bunch of needs, but I think you are doing a good job of it in the day to day. I didn't hear mention of you watching soap operas all afternoon. I didn't hear mention of you routinely skipping school. I didn't even hear you doing anything selfish really. So, the good news is I think from reading your post there are only a couple things contributing to that guilty feeling, but when you're in it, it feels like it could be everything, and then the next day begins and it starts all over again.

One thing that stood out in your post was doing preschool with 4 and 2 yo. Do you have LHTH? If not, I'd recommend that as it's excellent for preschool, doesn't take long, and flexible in pacing. If I were you, I'd take 15 minutes to do LHTH first thing in the morning with your 2 and 4 yo's. You can stagger breakfast times and accomplish this fairly easy. You could do LHTH first thing with the littles, just half of the boxes on the page each day, while the olders get breakfast on the table and get going. We're doing LHTH half-speed like this, and it's taking us about 10-15 minutes to do. Then, when you finish, your littles can join the biggers for breakfast (and hopefully you can grab a cup of coffee and some breakfast too). I think this would do wonders for the guilt you are feeling - it sure has for me. As for the 9 month old, I read about 3 board books to my 9 mo before naps and before bedtime. It only took 5 minutes, and it made me feel great to do something just for him. You could easily do that if that would help ease any guilt.

The other thing that you mentioned in a kind way was dh. I'm thinking that when my dh comes home from work he can sometimes be super tense, depending on how his day went. If he comes home and our kids are loud and running around (which they tend to do about that time of day if left to their own demise) , he has a tough time not snapping at them. I know it could go deeper than this for your dh and I don't want you to get into the details of that because it is private, but maybe having the dc do their quiet time when he walks in (we have been doing this) would let him decompress from work, plus give you time to start supper. If quiet time is an impossibility due to the dc's ages, olders could take turns playing with the youngers up in their rooms for a makeshift quiet time too until supper time. Anyway, those are just a few simple ideas I had, but I want you to know we've all felt this before, and I think you are wise to consider how you can let go of feeling this way.

Just think of this - you are with your dc all day, every day. Much more than our parents were able to do since homeschooling was not an option. Just make the time you are teaching each of your dc be the best it can be, and take time to teach each of them each day (even if it's only 10 minutes for the little ones), and then do your afternoon household duties, etc. guilt free. Children should play on their own each day. Other than reading a book to us at night, none of my sisters and I can recall our mother ever playing with us. In fact, mother readily says she did not ever play with us (and SHE sounds guilty when she says it too - though we cannot understand why). We lived on a farm, and she had no time to play - she had work to do all of the time, as I'm sure you do as well. But, all of my sisters and I agree - we have the most wonderful mom in the world, and we have the best memories of growing up. Just put your heart into your school time with them, pray with them before bed, have a general happy attitude about life, and your dc will probably have memories of you being the wonderful mom (that you already are) too!

In Christ,
Julie

[water2wine]

Sheila you have gotten some great advice. I can't do better than what is here already but I did want to say this. I understand about the needs of one child feeling like they are overtaking the other five. I finally had to realize that there had to be limits to my time. And in that I mean the time spent dealing with the extra needs. I realized that less more consistent was actually better for everyone and I had to get out of the mentality that I would solve it all in one day. So what I did was start setting regular appointment times with my dd. She does her reading and LA things with me first in the morning before we start our program read alouds that helps a lot. I get other kids going on their math and while they are working I help her. And I have a time limit. My school time is no later than 3:00 or else we would go clear into dinner with things being stretched out with her. I also have some rules with her about her needing to show me her first couple of problems and work as she goes so that she does not fall into a huge pit and end up wasting much of the day. That has helped us a lot.

Praying for you! Seasons in life can be tougher than others. Sometimes it is just what God asks us to walk through and sometimes it is a time of rearranging how we do things in our life. Only you can know. But sending up some prayers for you.

[Tansy]

I have to agree with W2W (again!)
I only have 2 But We still see problems as I spend 2 hours with therapy stuff with my India girl then daddy does the second shorter half. China Lily felt like she was getting the short end of the stick. Since she also keeps an eye on my Dinner and sometimes has to be very quiet. She started acting out and we saw hey we have a problem. So 5 nights a week she gets an after dinner walk with Daddy and Dapper (her dog). Also every other Saturday she gets 2 hours with Daddy while India girl gets 2 hours with Mom, we switch each week or so. Making those appointments with our kids changed everything. They usually just want to go to the play ground and play.

Making that time even if its 10-20 30 min. for each of your little ones will go a long way in making them feel valued and important to you. Our Social workers response was "right on Mom and Dad you hit a home run without me."
Huggs,
Tansy

p.s. My hubby has diabetes I never know what "mood" is coming home. I did find out no clutter in the living space is super important to him. So at 5:45. we do 10 min room clean up that is almost a game. So when he walks in the door the room is neat. And I got a scrapbook tote and store all my dd1' therapy gear in it. It saves me gobs of time as everything is easy to find (and I'm not an organizer) and I can pile It all in as soon as the dog goes the the door and waggs his tail and viola tidy space! this went a long way in soothing Hubby when he walks in the door.

[Carrie]

Sheila,

There is so much wisdom in this thread! I'll just let you know that I prayed that the Lord will make clear to you what changes He sees that will help you the most. I'm praying that He'll surround you with His love and encourage you with His presence.

Blessings,
Carrie